Buying a Valentine's Day card today? If so, try to select something that shows you care . . . and avoid cards containing anything on this list of The Top Rejected Valentine's Day Card Greetings.

I love you like Chris Christie loves cake.

Tonight let's turn the lights down low . . . because your wrinkles are way less obvious by candlelight.

It is better to have loved and lost . . . than to have stayed in this loveless, 20-year sham of a marriage like I did.

I'm taking you to any restaurant you choose . . . as long as I can numb your awfulness with booze.

We've done so much together that I've lost track of the fun . . . like the one time I killed a hobo, and you helped me hide the gun.

On Valentine's, you know what's best? Seeing you . . . with bigger breasts.

When it comes to love, I want no other . . . so don't get mad that I slept with your brother. 

As I think back on all our years together . . . I just get sad because I could have done a lot better.

This mass-produced piece of cardboard with a cheap sentiment on it that I bought at a CVS along with hemorrhoid cream says exactly what I feel about you.

Sometimes I think our love is like a rose that bloomed on the vine and then died . . . thanks to your affair with the gardener.

I'd give you candy, but do you really need the extra calories?

All I want for Valentine's Day is you . . . to get me another beer.

This year I want to give you something you'll never forget . . . syphilis.

With you, it was love at first sight . . . but that's over because of all your cellulite.

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