Movie critics usually get to see an advanced screening of a film before it's released in theaters. That didn't happen with "I, Frankenstein" . . . which opens today. I still managed to attend a 10pm screening. So in honor of "I, Frankenstein" . . . here are The Top Signs You're Watching a Bad Monster Movie.
The mad scientist's assistant doesn't even have mild scoliosis.
The movie ends with the monster and its family getting their own reality show.
The monster ransacks a Kentucky trailer park and dies of a meth overdose.
It's directed by Michael Bay.
The villagers go after it with torches and pitchforks . . . and get arrested for violating anti-bullying laws.
The "mummy" is just a man covered in flushable moist wipes.
Frankenstein insists on wearing dangly hoop earrings from his neck bolts.
It's about a hideous bug-eyed creature with fangs. But doesn't star Steve Buscemi.
Instead of "Uhh, fire," Frankenstein says, "I perceive the exothermic chemical process of combustion on the villager's torch as a threat."
Five minutes into the movie, the monster is run over by a drag-racing Justin Bieber.
The mummy corners his victim . . . then asks if she's happy with her cell phone provider.
To look scarier, the monster goes to the same plastic surgeon as Bruce Jenner.