Movie critics usually get to see an advanced screening of a film before it's released in theaters.  That didn't happen with "I, Frankenstein" . . . which opens today.  I still managed to attend a 10pm screening. So in honor of "I, Frankenstein"  . . . here are The Top Signs You're Watching a Bad Monster Movie.

The mad scientist's assistant doesn't even have mild scoliosis.

The movie ends with the monster and its family getting their own reality show.

The monster ransacks a Kentucky trailer park and dies of a meth overdose.

It's directed by Michael Bay.

The villagers go after it with torches and pitchforks . . . and get arrested for violating anti-bullying laws.

The "mummy" is just a man covered in flushable moist wipes.

Frankenstein insists on wearing dangly hoop earrings from his neck bolts.

It's about a hideous bug-eyed creature with fangs.  But doesn't star Steve Buscemi.

Instead of "Uhh, fire," Frankenstein says, "I perceive the exothermic chemical process of combustion on the villager's torch as a threat."

Five minutes into the movie, the monster is run over by a drag-racing Justin Bieber.

The mummy corners his victim . . . then asks if she's happy with her cell phone provider.

To look scarier, the monster goes to the same plastic surgeon as Bruce Jenner.

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