In honor of David Letterman celebrating his 20th year as host of "The Late Show" this year . . . we now give you the Top Things David Letterman Has Learned Over 20 Years of Hosting "The Late Show".
After a few years, it gets comfortable in Leno's shadow.
The number one reason that "Top Ten Lists" are no longer funny: They never were.
People still line up to see his show. Assuming they couldn't get into "Jimmy Fallon".
It's easy to be the pride of Ball State when nobody else graduates from Ball State.
If the show's audience continues to erode at this pace, by 2015, viewership will be six old people and a guy too drunk to change the channel.
You can count on having Lindsay Lohan back at least once a year to say, "This time, I'm REALLY serious about my sobriety."
Who needs Stupid Human Tricks when you can just play clips from "Jersey Shore"?
Never underestimate the power of intern hush money.
All those people who said "You'll go nowhere until you fix that gap in your teeth" can suck it.
When the Oscars call . . . politely decline.
There has never been, nor will there ever be, a higher form of comedy than throwing a fax machine off a theater roof.
It's really hard to portray ironic detachment, when in all honesty, you CAN'T WAIT to hear every single detail about Kate Hudson's latest romantic comedy.
Paul Shaffer will literally laugh at anything.