Going to a Haunted House this weekend? If you are, we hope it's a fun one and nothing like you'll hear described in the Top Signs You're at a Bad Haunted House.
It's just a bunch of guys running around in Aaron Hernandez masks.
The dude you thought was dressed as Quasimodo just sadly informed you he has debilitating scoliosis.
The mask that the serial killer wears is an emotional one.
The scariest thing they could come up with was a room dedicated to a government shutdown.
The only "scary sounds" you hear are the irritable bowels of the ticket taker.
Instead of spending money on expensive zombie makeup, they just hired meth addicts.
Instead of a fog machine, they have a guy chain-smoking cigars in front of a fan.
The zombies are just people who line up for new Apple products.
The chainsaw-wielding maniac corners you . . . then asks if you're happy with your current Internet provider.
Before chasing you around, the guy dressed as Jason Voorhees informs you he's required by law to divulge a few things about his past.
The ghosts in the fake cemetery don't even try to scare you because they're too busy laughing hysterically at a "hilarious" fake headstone reading, "R.I.P. Low Taxes."
The deranged murderer isn't wielding an axe, just Axe Body Spray.
It just has one shirtless obese guy sitting in a rocking chair while wearing a sleep apnea mask.