Being a mall Santa is a pretty sweet gig. No, really, it is. Want proof? Here are The Top Best Things About Being a Mall Santa.
Unlike most Americans, you're guaranteed work for at least three weeks a year.
That thick beard masks your look of total despair.
No one judges you for spending your lunch break smoking meth, since all it does is make you more jolly.
With the white beard and wig, no one can recognize you to enforce the restraining order.
The sexy lingerie you get to wear under your Santa suit makes you feel beautiful.
Your Santa suit doesn't look as dumb as those fake referees at Foot Locker.
There's just something life-affirming in the knowledge you're doing your part to make Jesus' birthday an excuse for Americans to sink themselves further into credit card debt.
It's not a great job, but you're still more respected than a mall cop.
You get to know what it's like being a fake celebrity . . . just like the Kardashians.
People constantly stopping to take pictures with you because they think you're one of the "Duck Dynasty" guys.
That freaky pierced chick from Hot Topic who has a beard fetish.
Your "elves" are always hot college girls earning extra cash so they can wild out in Cancun over spring break.
When a kid says all he wants is for you to make his parents stop fighting, and you realize your life isn't that bad after all.