Top Tips for Not Getting Seated on a Jury
Madonna was dismissed from jury duty in New York because her presence would've been a distraction. But don't worry if you're not a celebrity . . . we have you covered with The Top Tips for Not Getting Seated on a Jury.
Repeatedly interrupt the pre-screening to ask the judge when he's going to start doing magic tricks and making hilarious wisecracks, like Harry Anderson on "Night Court".
When you smile, make sure the lawyers can clearly see your rebel flag grillz.
Tell them you really can't miss any World Cup action. They'll immediately detect your mental illness and dismiss you.
Just keep referring to everyone as "Those people."
Consistently unwrap hard candies without blinking.
Admit you'll probably convict anybody, since prison looks pretty fun on "Orange Is the New Black".
Refer to the female prosecuting attorney as a prose-CUTIE attorney.
Every time a question is answered, put your hands over your ears and yell, "No spoilers!"
Tell the prosecution this is the first trial you've worked since acquitting O.J.
Ask the judge if you can be dismissed because you have seven illegal immigrants right now in the trunk of your car.
Tell the judge he looks different from his picture on Grindr.
When the prosecutor asks if you can be fair and put your prejudices aside, just wink and respond, "For a price, bro . . . for a price."