Top Reasons You Weren't Named Father of the Year, & Top Things Kim and Kanye's Daughter Would Say if She Could Talk
6/17/2013 3:00:00 PM
On Sunday, most of us honored our fathers. But some men are terrible dads.
Here are the Top Reasons You Weren't Named Father of the Year.
Your kid wanted to see "Man of Steel". But you wanted to see "This is the End". So you compromised and put him up for adoption.
You make him take the lead on father/son hikes in case you stumble upon any pot farm trip wires.
You blame your daughter for everything that's wrong in your life . . . when she's really only responsible for 95% of it.
For your daughter's 18th birthday, you bought her a stripper pole and told her to start paying her own way.
Instead of the child support check, you sent a coupon for free hugs.
"Man of Steel" had a huge opening weekend, making $125 million since Thursday. That breaks the record for the biggest June opening weekend ever.
It's also the second best opening for the year, with only "Iron Man 3" doing better.
As for how it compares to the other Superman movies, that's more than double the $52.5 million "Superman Returns" made when it came out in 2006.
And almost as much as the $134 million that CHRISTOPHER REEVE'S "Superman" made during its entire theatrical run back in 1978.
Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are now the parents of a baby girl. So here are the Top Things Kim and Kanye's Daughter Would Say if She Could Talk.
What do you mean, I've gotta return to the womb so cameras can get a different angle?
You guys realize you can't name me without Seacrest's approval, right?
Sure, you love me now, dad. But wait until I wanna listen to Taylor Swift.
Why's daddy crying? Oh, that's right . . . nobody's paying attention to him.
So the thing with a lens that makes clicking sounds, is that called mommy or daddy?
My daddy is the most amazing man to ever grace this planet. Just ask him.
Why doesn't grandaddy's face move?
I'm sorry, but WHY is mommy famous?
Do all newborns have to sign a production contract agreeing to the unlimited use of their image?
I'm guessing, "teaching me to read" isn't going to be a priority.
Who do I talk to about getting adopted by likeable parents?
They're already calling it a "K-section."
In the past year or so, AMANDA BYNES has gone from a seemingly normal former child star, to a former child star who appears to be on the verge of a total breakdown . . . and / or spontaneous combustion. But she's also gone from being a marginally recognizable celebrity to being one of the most talked about people in the entertainment media.
So . . . is it possible that this is all a massive, elaborate stunt or "performance"? Amanda wants you to think so.
She allegedly messaged a friend saying, quote, "All this has been an act and you know it. I'm an actress and know what I'm doing. I got to two million followers and now everyone wants me. I'm smart and not stupid. "Everyone mentions my name. The world loves me!" (That message must also be part of this "act" . . . because she sounds pretty crazy there, too.)
So what other insanity is Amanda up to? Well, "In Touch" magazine says she was at a casino in Atlantic City this weekend. A "source" says, quote, "I saw her stumbling a little. At one point she stopped in the middle of one of the lounge areas and started doing jumping jacks. "Then I saw her scream at a guy who was taking her picture. If she is just acting crazy, she is doing an awesome job."
Also, you can add "American Pie" star JASON BIGGS to the list of people Amanda has flipped out on, and called "ugly" on Twitter. It started when Amanda Tweeted, quote, "If you're not hot, I don't care about you." Jason responded, quote, "This self-hatred really must stop, Amanda." That's when Amanda shot back, quote, "Jason, you're so ugly I won't talk to you."
She later Tweeted, quote, "You get turned on [by] what you are, not by what you're not." (But thanks to a typo, it didn't come across quite the way she intended.) Jason responded, quote, "Are you having a stroke?" Amanda didn't like that.
Lumping Jason in with some other follower who made her mad, she Tweeted, quote, "What a joke you both are. Good luck getting laid by anything with a vagina."
But remember, it's all an act folks! Or is it?