The President's Food Taster, A Silver Street Performer Sucker Punch, and Signs You're Way Too Into St. Paddy's Day
Posted 3/15/2013 3:00:00 PM

Does the President (much like a King of Olde) have a FOOD TASTER? Yes, says Senator Susan Collins (R-Maine).

Today is March 15th, which English teachers and nerds know as the IDES OF MARCH. The Ides of March are famous from SHAKESPEARE'S "Julius Caesar". A prophet warns Caesar to "beware the Ides of March." And he turns out to be right . . . because Caesar gets STABBED TO DEATH on March 15th, 44 B.C.

Since then, the Ides of March have been known as a cursed day that frightens some people . . . kind of like a once-a-year, more severe Friday the 13th. Which, if you're the overly superstitious type, begs the question . . . WILL YOU DIE TODAY? The answer is . . . probably not. But if you're REALLY superstitious, watch out for falling pianos and gangs of Romans with knives today.

A few really bad things that have happened on the Ides of March in history:

In 1917, Czar Nicholas the Second abdicated the Russian throne, leading to the Bolsheviks taking over.

In 1941, a blizzard killed 60 people in North Dakota and Minnesota.

In 1971, CBS cancelled the "Ed Sullivan Show". In 2003, SARS was first reported.

And in 2011, NATE DOGG died (REGULATORS! MOUNT UP!).

The Internet is going nuts over a news segment from this past Sunday in L.A., where a weatherman named Jim Castillo sounds like he gives a female marathon runner a pretty crude compliment about her CHEST.

But if you listen closely, he was actually talking about her footwear.

He said, quote, "She has some nice TENNIES" . . . as in, tennis shoes. And he also said "tennis shoes" right afterward.

Sunday is Saint Patrick's Day. It's funny. Even though the actual Saint Patrick lived a pure life, we celebrate him with drinking and debauchery. That's like celebrating Barack Obama Day with frugal spending.

Remember, Saint Patrick's Day isn't only about drinking until you pass out at the bar and two bouncers toss you into a dumpster where rats gnaw your fingers off. It's also about PARADES!

And you know what people LOVE when they're drunk? A know-it-all spouting random trivia facts. Here are 10 St. Patrick's Day trivia facts, so YOU can be everyone's favorite dude:

#1.) ST. PATRICK wasn't Irish. He was born in either Scotland or Wales, and was brought to Ireland as a slave.

#2.) You know what else isn't Irish? "Danny Boy". It was written by an English songwriter named Frederick Weatherly . . . he set it to an Irish melody called "Londonderry Air".

#3.) Also, "When Irish Eyes are Smiling" was written by two Americans.

#4.) St. Patrick's name wasn't Patrick. It was actually Maewyn. And the holiday marks his DEATH, not his birthday.

#5.) America is way more Irish than Ireland. There are approximately 36 million Americans with Irish ancestors. The population of Ireland is about 4.5 million.

#6.) 1% of all the beer in the WORLD is consumed on St. Patrick's Day.

#7.) Guinness sees the biggest boost of any individual beer on St. Patrick's Day. On the average day, people worldwide drink 5.5 million pints of Guinness . . . on St. Patrick's Day, it jumps to at least 13 million pints.

#8.) America's bar tab on Sunday will be approximately $245 MILLION.

#9.) Americans are in the middle of a new love affair with Irish whiskey. Sales of Irish whiskey are up 400% since 2002. They've even jumped 22.5% in the past 12 months.

#10.) Approximately 133 million American adults . . . or 56.3% of the adult population . . . will celebrate St. Patrick's Day this year. And 84% will wear green.

For many people, wearing something green, drinking Guinness, and telling bad Irish jokes is the way they celebrate Saint Paddy's Day. But some people take it to the extreme.

Here are the Top Signs You're Way Too Into Saint Patrick's Day.

To authenticate the Irish-American experience, you dress your kids in rags and make them build a railroad.

Your liver's already started saying its goodbyes to all the other organs.

You firmly believe "Erin Go Bragh" is Gaelic for "You may be drunk and hideous, but I'm still going to make out with you in the middle of the bar."

You take out-of-town visitors on a tour of the bar district to show them all the places you've thrown up.

This Saint Paddy’s Day make sure you don’t provoke any street performers.

Posted By: Max Foizey  

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