A Slap Shot in the Eye, Signs Your Tax Guy Might be a Terrorist, & Turtles Are Still Having Sex
3/7/2013 3:00:00 PM
In case you missed it, Marc Staal of the New York Rangers took a slap shot to the EYE in a hockey game against the Flyers on Tuesday night. First it deflected off someone's stick . . . which didn't slow it down much.
Then it hit him directly in the right eye. He went down immediately, and started flailing around on the ice . . . which is understandable when you see the video. According to the team, he's out indefinitely.
But his doctors are optimistic that he'll make a full recovery. It's also reignited the debate over whether hockey players should be REQUIRED to have facemasks on their helmets.
Are you a little suspicious of your tax preparer? Well, maybe you should be.
Here are the Top Signs Your Tax Guy Might be a Muslim Terrorist.
He deducts your copy of "The 9/11 Commission Report" as an entertainment expense.
He thinks your appointment is an elaborate CIA ruse to rescue American prisoners from his office.
He works on your W-2 while strapped to C-4. You can pay him with cash, check or federal building blueprints.
When you ask what you owe him, he looks at you coldly and responds, "Zionist blood."
He loses a dozen receipts in his beard. When you hand him your wife's W-2, he goes, "You allow her to work?!?"
When he sits down he says, "Now let's see what the Great Satan has stolen from you in order to fund its oppressive imperialist efforts in the Middle East."
Instead of signing his name to your forms, he writes "Death to America!"
When you mention a tax, he's all, "Ooh! I love attacks!"
Alf Clayton of Stockton-on-Tees, England and his wife, Gayner, just learned the hard way that TURTLES BE HORNY.
On Saturday night, their pet TORTOISE named Henry woke up from about 12 weeks of hibernation. And the first thought on Henry's mind was the same as the first thought that YOU'D have after 12 weeks of sleep: GETTING-IT-ON.
So Henry immediately approached his "wife," the Claytons' other pet tortoise, Alice, and started having TORTOISE SEX with her.
Unfortunately, they got a little TOO into it, and knocked over the heating lamp in their tank. It set their wood chips on fire . . . which then set the ENTIRE HOUSE on fire.
Alf and Gayner were able to get out safely, but the fire destroyed part of the house . . . and sadly, killed both tortoises.
KILLED THEM? ALL THEY WANTED WAS SOME FIRE - TURTLE LOVIN' FIRE!